A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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