Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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