Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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