Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
sarcasm needs its own font
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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