woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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