it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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