I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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