i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm both gender and math confused
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