i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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