she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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