My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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