Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
