When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
