Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
