My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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