please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize