so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
