I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
