he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
