Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
