I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
