hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
