im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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