I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
