Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
