I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
