Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
