I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
