I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
