its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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