At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
