Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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