Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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