Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
