just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
