Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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