doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
