I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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