please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
