just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
