Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
