Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
