If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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