There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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