So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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