Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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