When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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