I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
