is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
FUCK WHALES
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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