Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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