every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
