You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just forgot I was standing up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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