you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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