We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
