My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
