i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
