i would punch a child for taco bell
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize