in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
