New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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