it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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