Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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