I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
