I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And then my night got REAL pukey
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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